Tagged

1) Woke up this morning, crumpled in a ball under my desk. One could say I had a rough night of excessive drinking at the club. Pieces of my phone were scattered around my room and my truck wasn't in the parking lot. My right hand is swollen and my clothes were literally dirty with dirt. After washing out the taste of vomit from my mouth, I cut a block of spam in half and threw it on the frying pan. One minute later, impatient of the cooking time, I stick a fork into the middle of the two inch thick piece of spam at eat it like a corn dog. <--This is what I have to offer; no girl in her right mind will ever settle down with me.

2) Lately, I've been putting a lot of thought into harems and why nobody has them anymore. In my ideal world, I'd be filthy rich and have myself a massive harem. Like the old school chinese emperors and shit. I'd go around the world and handpick hot chicks from every country and have a warehouse choke full of girls. Actually, I think I'd buy the Halekulani and convert that into my harem. And then, instead of eunuchs, I'd have an entire staff of homos. That way, they won't breed any of the girls. Plus, the homos could groom'em and do stuff like make their hair pretty and do their nails and shit because homos like to do those sorts of things.

3) I like fried chicken. Would I go as far to say that I'm passionate about fried chicken or that I'm a fried chicken connoisseur? No. But I appreciate good fried chicken. So the debate is, who got the best fried chicken: KFC or Popeyes? Me? I really like the Popeyes fried chicken. I think they produce a superior product. The meat is so juicy, yet it's not as greasy as it's KFC nemesis. Kinda like the cajun thang too, being that I'm somedbody that enjoys spicy food. It's nice to see spicy food get some corporate mainstream recognition and shit.

But as a establishment as a whole, I gotta go with KFC. Sure, their chicken might be a little greasier, but their sides dishes make up for the chicken's shortcomings. The KFC gravy, the KFC biscuit, the KFC coleslaw (especially the coleslaw)--these are among the best there is. And when I say best, I'm not limiting my opinion to just the fast food market. I'm talking EVERYWHERE, homemade, restaurant...you name it. The KFC sides are just plain good. It's SO GOOOOD!

4) Hmm....I like to eat oatmeal in morning. Makes me feel like an old man for saying this, but it makes for better bowel movements. I can take an epic shit with absolutely no strain. Yup. On the oatmeal subject, I always thought that the Maple and Brown Sugar in the variety pack was always the most masculine of the flavor choices. And isn't it obvious that the Apple and Cinnimon is the fem flavor?

5) Everytime I see a dog, I imagine how it would feel to kick it. Satisfying I think. I hate when a little dog barks at me from behind a fence. Fucking punt that chiwawa. Rachel's dog is the perfect size to kick. Not too small but not too big so I still get some air time when I blast him. Buddy is a blonde lab mix, so it's a haole dog, which only increases the pleasure of the kick. I'd straight up kick him in the ribs like I was gonna kick a field goal.

6) I don't see the purpose of a tard. They're like high maintenance pets. If I ever had a tard, I'd put'em up for adoption. Straight up. I don't intend to be a bastard or sound inhumane but a tard kid is a marriage destroyer. I'm sure there's a white family on the mainland that wouldn't mind caring for a tard child. Special oympics came and went. Maintenance crew had to clean up the after math. Here's some horrible thoughts that might make people hate me. If ever I was in a plane crash and had to resort to cannibalism, I'd be apprehensive on eating the tard. I'd be thinking that I might catch the tard disease and start drooling. Plus, tards would probably taste funny. Too much macaroni & cheese in their diets. I'd imagine they'd be more gamey and stringy than how normal people taste. Tards would probably make good stew meat.

And what if they had a tard park, like jurrasic park? *play jurassic park theme song* Tards behind cages making weird dinosaur noises. And with their big ears, they'd look like that dinosaur that shoots the poison and killed the Seinfeld-Newman guy. Free-range tards running around like buffalo, all-hunched back. And people could shoot'em like the buffalos in Dances with Wolves.