Taco Bell Bitch

this happened awhile ago and...hell, I told most everybody who reads my blog in person already. still got some of that figurative gas-in-the-tank, so I thought I'd type it out.


for the past week or so, I'd been a regular at taco bell, always ordering the same thing: Bean Burritos. not only are they the cheapest item on the value menu, those muthafuckas taste goood. I don't know how they do it, with the no-meat. add more bonus points because there's beans--and beans are healthy. gotta be some chemistry or mexican wizardry or something.


anyway, the stomach starts growling and the clock reads lunchtime, so I grab keys/money fold/cell phone and shut the door behind me. I walk the short distance to taco bell and stand in back of the line. with it's my turn I approach the open cash register and tell the lady.


"can get two bean burritos, please?" all courteous and shit, I ain't no stranger to the struggle.

"which bean burrito?" the overweight aunty behind the counter is some chinese-local mix.

"the bean burrito on the menu" I point to the Big Bell value menu.

"well, there's two bean burritos on the menu"

"I only see one bean burrito"

"well, there's the old bean burrito. And then there's the cheesy bean and rice burrito" she gestures with her hand, left to right; one and two. condescending to boot.

"I dunno about no fucking secret burrito. I just want the two bean burritos I see on the menu. wtf?!" I point to the Big Bell value menu again.

"Sooo, what you actually want is two Cheesy Bean and Rice burritos?"

"yeah...the one on the menu"

She stares me down like she like scrap.

"$2.90"

I count off three dollars, one by one, from my money fold. Then I look her straight in the eye, smack the money onto the counter and slide/fling the bills in her direction. one of the dollars falls to the ground. the lady snaps.

"oh the hell you didn't!"

Register lady bends down, grabs my money, crumples it all together and flies it back at me.

"I'm not helping you! Next!"

I start laughing uncontrollably at the absurdity of the situation. The guy behind me cautiously steps forward. I go eat at jack-in-a-box instead.