The day was doomed, even before I opened my eyes. I could hear the rain all night, muddying everything up, effectively ruining any hope of a football game in the afternoon. Outside, the sky looked gray and thunderous, like the end of the world was coming. The sun was a no-show and the clock was the only indication that it was day. But more than bad weather and no football, the real reason the day was damned: I had to go to my grandma's house today.
The drive to the windward side was horrible. The four-cylinder engine struggles up the mountain and makes old-main noises as it trudges along. The windshield wipers can barely keep up and all I see is quick glimpse of the road ahead. Basically, the trip was a conrad-esque voyage over the Pali and to my grandma's, the heart of darkness.
Grandma greets me at the door. She appears to be in one of her kooky moods, "J.M.K. has arrived! would J.M.K. like something to eat before he starts to work?"
FYI, "J.M.K." is me. I'm fucking serious; I could not make this shit up. my grandma now calls me, J.M.K. and yeah, it's pronounced just like you read it, "Jay.Em.Kay"
This is where the dehumanization begins. Dis some 'Roots' shit. She calling me by my slave name now. Time to fight the power.
"No. I, john, would not like anything to eat."
my name is kunta kente!
"well, I'll make you a plate anyway...JMK"
your name is TOBY!
As I sit and eat the food I didn't want, my grandma starts telling me about the work she wants done. shit like mow the lawn and trim the hedge. at first I thought she was joking. silly me. Stalin don't make no jokes. I tell her straight, "you're preposterous! you want me mow the lawn in this weather!"
"you can make a poncho"
"make a poncho? out of what?
"i have a whole box of garbage bags outside"
"i ain't wearing no Garbage bag"
"well, if you want to get wet, be my guest JMK"
This time I think before responding, "then the lawn mower will get wet with me"
Argument over. I play my cards like a professional.
instead of mowing the lawn, she has me vacuum the house and rearrange the living room. this is all in preparation for a party she's hosting. this isn't a real party though, it's a Melaluca "party". basically, it's like a tupperware party. it's a small gathering in which a company rep. (host) accommodates a bunch of bored housewives (guests) with cheap pupus and tales of how superior their products are to the competition. Melaluca is some piece of shit brand that makes environmentally safe cleaning products which smell like eucalyptus.
anyway--after washing the dishes--my grandma tells me to follow her outside, to bring the other umbrella. like an obedient slave, I do exactly as told. we walk through the pouring rain to the side of the street.
I ask, "what are we doing?"
"my friend just called and said she's almost here. we're waiting for her."
"uh, couldn't you have just waited out here by yourself?"
"shh! this is her car coming up." A white nissan sentra pulls over and parks on the street, "JMK, go run over there and give her the umbrella."
"huh? what about me?"
"JUST GIVE HER THE UMBRELLA!
"what? how come you didn't just grab the extra umbrella and..."
"NOW!"
"fuck"
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