FOB Punani Slayers

It was Sheldon's birthday, which means it was an occasion to get wasted drunk. The whole maintenance crew was gonna meet up at The House at 9:something. I get there early and immediately proceed to drink. Soon enough, everybody is present: Sheldon, Thad, Kallan, Aron, Dave, and Me. I'm surprised at how quick the alcohol is affecting me. That's what playing a few hours of basketball prior will do to you. Pleased at the absorption rate of the liquor, I drink more. In no time, I'm all buss.

It's decided that Dave will ride with me and everyone else will ride with Thad. Dave asks if I'm okay to drive. Shee-it. I peal out of the driveway and hit the freeway. Now I done read this article somewhere that said speeding is not a indicator of drunk driving. Therefore, I deduce that driving as fast as traffic will allow is my best option. I tear down the freeway going 90 something mph. in my Nissan pickup truck with virtually no shocks, 90 mph seems like the speed of sound. Dave starts hollering at me to slow down. Fuck dat! I aint no coward on the road! Then I lose control of my truck, hop a curb and head straight toward a telephone pole. I swerve left with a full bodied twist of the steering wheel and into the oncoming lane. Fortunately, nobody was there.

Once in oceans, me and Dave order a round of beer and walk around the club, waiting for everyone else. Then we order another beer. I'm stupid drunk. Then everybody finally arrives and we find a table. Somebody orders me another beer. I get pissed off some reason and attempt to break ceramic plates with my bare hands. Frustrated at my weakness, I slam the table with my fist and spill all the drinks. Sheldon's friend Lisa bears most of the damage--I beer fell into her lap.

Everybody be calling my "fucking asshole" and shit so in forgiveness I offer to smash up a neighboring table in two. "Fuck dat table and fuck everyone at dat table!" I eye them all out, especially the table. Then Sheldon runs in between and says I'm fucking his shit up and convinces me other wise.

Ashamed of my wild antics, I want to drink more beer. I can't figure which beer on the table is mine. I grab the bottle with the most. Next thing I know, me and Dave roam the dance floor like the lions roam the plains of Africa. We find two girls. Mines wants to go dancing, so I dry hump her on the floor.

After awhile, the girls want to get a drink. Apprehension. Girls like expensive fruity drinks and I already spent my $45 bucks. The night could be bankrupt me if I bring out my Debit card and run a tab. I decide to hang back and wait for her to get her own drink, like the cheap bastard that I am. Instead, the girls come back with their drinks, plus beers for me and Dave. I tell my girl that Im in <3 love.

We sit down at a table and talk. Theyre from china and are on their second week of a one month vacation in Hawaii. They speak with an accent. For some reason, I start talking with an accent as well. A fake and terribly done, Japanese accent. "So pretty you. I so lucky be with beautiful girl like you" Imma smoooth operator. Then I lean in and start making out with her. Daves girl keeps touching my face and saying, "so cute". I hate having my face touched. Its a peeve of mine and it takes all my willpower not to whack her arms to the side after the second time she does this. Instead, I guzzle my beer then I grab her drink and finish it as well.

We hit the floor again. Everything, even the sound, is blurred like the club is underwater. A different girl comes dancing by me and my attention is averted, until the Chinese girl regains my focus when her hands keep --you know-- 'inadvertently' grazing my boto. Soon after, the two girls are dragging both me and Dave out of the club by the hands. We going run train is what I be thinking.

Instead, we go to the parking lot where we're joined by a whole crew their Chinese friends. I don't understand a word they're mandarin and I feel more bus trying to decipher it. Im lead to the backseat of an early 90's Camry. Theres dozens of little stuffed pokemon-type animals lining the back window and seat. This homo-looking Chinese guy hops into the drivers seat and my Chinese girl takes the shotgun position. He turns on the ignition and loud, German sounding techno music starts blasting from the speakers. We pull out of the parking structure. The drunken solitude allows for a moment of perspective to evaluate my life:

I don't know where i'm going
or who i'm with
or what's being said.

I feel like puking a la crackhead's car; the music and consistent jerking turns are not helping. to keep occupied, I try to grope the girl's tit from behind. She quickly intercepts my hand and guides it into hers. we pet each other's hands the rest of the way. It was kinda romantic.

We get to our destination. Its somewhere in Waikiki yet my alcohol addled mind can't discern the exact location. I'm ushered out of the car and follow the girl to the entrance of a club. My mind is eased a little when I see Dave again. From the look of him, he don't know what the fuck is happening too. At first, I'm thinking that they knows people because we bypass the line outside without paying. Then we walk upstairs where they pay for another round of drinks. The Chinese girls must be rich because this place seems more expensive than oceans. Then we head straight for the VIP section, enter the glass enclosed area and sit at a table. I survey the people around us. FOB city. Once again, I'm the only non-Asian person of the group. This makes me feel lonely in the world and I suckle on my beer like it was a teat.

I get up to take a piss and when I exit the bathroom, the Chinese girl is waiting for me outside. We hit the dance floor again, except this time, all we do is make out with each other. Then a slow song is played and the DJ says last call for alcohol. I tell the girl to come back to my place. She looks me in the eyes, smiles devilishly, then kisses me on the lips. yeeah boi! OOF! OOF! OOF!

K, fast-forward. We get dropped back off at oceans: me, Dave, and the two Chinese girls. It's a tight squeeze with four people in the small-assed truck cab but we all manage to fit because Daves girl don't mind sitting in his lap. I'm more fucked up than previously self-assessed. Just the circular motion of the rolling the window down makes me dizzy. They ask me if I'm alright to drive. Yeah right...like you're gonna get an honest answer.
"I can drive"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. Positive like HIV"
It's right at this point where I run my first red-light. Stupid light was taking too long to turn green. Then I laugh mildly and press the gas down to maintain acceleration through a second red-light. Now I hear this hullabaloo about not wanting to die and shit. Fear has a stinky smell and I tone down the stupid driving.

so we coast down King street and stop off at 7-11 to buy condoms. Along the way back to my place, I make several unnecessary turns to confuse the chickenheads. This is where I knew there'd be a problem. See, Dave don't want (or Thinks he can't) go back to his room at the dorms because he's unsure how the new summer-semester roommate will handle the situation. Prior, I told him could use an extra futon in the living room at my place. He says okay, but ultimately, the futon plan is contingent on the girl's approval.

The futon is located in my attic. I can't jump higher than six inches in basketball but I vaulted like 40 inches to grab that fucking futon. Its ratty looking. Shit used to be black in color was originally the mattress for an early generation sofa/bed combination things that they sell at Wal-Mart for a hundred bucks. The futon is kinda heavy and I drag it into the living room like one would drag a corpse. I tell the girl "good yeah? good yeah?" while unfolding it on the ground and brushing off the clumps of dust. She got her arms crossed and look on her face that can only be described as, "oh hell no! Ain't no way Im getting on that....thing."

If Dave's girl don't bone him, then my girl don't bone me. We in the same boat. A light bulb goes off in my head: use the UH master key and open up an empty room to bone inside. Genius! I look in my bag for the key. Its not there. I check the pockets of the shorts I used during the day. Check in my other bag. Look on my dresser. Look in the desk. Recheck my first bag, all my laundry, the bathroom, the kitchen counter. I tear my place up whirlwind-style looking for my key and still can't find it. Doomed. I ask Dave what we gonna do when, all of a sudden, the girls suggest a motel. Hmm...where the hell the motels be at? They say they'll pay for the room. Shootz.

We all cram back into my truck and the girls tell me what directions to turn. Fifteen minutes later, we parked outside the pagoda. Nice. Now I thought we were gonna have to pay for a portion of the room but the girls hand Dave $200 dollars and wait in the car while we check-in. Since Dave got the Alaska ID, I figured it'd be better to use my name (and ID) to get a Kama'aina discount. The only unit available is a seven bedder, split between two rooms. It costs $150 plus a $50 deposit, which is returned once we checkout. The time is now 5 AM

Once at the room, the girls go to the bathroom at the same time. I can hear the shower running. Me and Dave be talking about the crazy night and how we going run train soon. Then both the girls come out with towels wrapped around their bodies. Dave gets up and leaves and closes the door behind him. My girl immediately drops her towel to the ground.

And we oof. Well, not immediately. Tell you the truth (sadly), I was still drunk and had a case of the whiskey dick, which meant that I had to go down on the girl first for like 20 minutes before I got hard enough to bone. It wasn't too bad though, because she had just taken a shower and my efforts paid dividends later when she gave me a long blowjob. Even though I don't believe him, Dave said I roared or something at some point during the night, I guess when I was busting my nut. hmmm....I really shouldn't be typing this out for everyone to see.

The morning later, Dave taps my shoulder and says we gotta leave for work already. I slid my arm from under her head, put my clothes back on, and creep on out of the room. Before closing the door, I contemplate pulling the sheets of the girl for no reason at all. That would've be plain ruthless.

We hit up some jack-in-a-box and stop off at my place so I can shower/piss/change. This is when I notice my balls hurt. Chinese girl be groping too hard. They'll continue to hurt for the better part of the day, along with my legs from dancing so much.

Later at maintenance, I told the story to anyone that asked. Because emotionally vacant, one night stands aren't nearly as fun if you can't brag about it to your friends :)

The next day, I went back to pagoda and picked up the $50 deposit. Since it was in my name, only I could collect the money. The $50 bucks was promptly used on beer for the night. Shee-it, I gets paid nigga! Man...I be thinking, when you oof a FOB girl, it's like you've conquered a small part of their home country. Quote me on that one.